


You Know You Wanna Kiss the Girl

by Aubreylia (orphan_account)



Series: Detectivebent [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - Trollstuck, Dad as John's lusus kinda, F/F, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death, Rose's unceasing sexual harassment of Kanaya, gratuitous paleporn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-20
Updated: 2012-07-25
Packaged: 2017-11-10 00:13:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/460100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Aubreylia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose was on a quest.<br/>Rose's quest consisted of two objectives: kissing the girl* and saving the damsel in distress**.<br/>Rose was sometimes concerned for her own sanity.<br/>At least her pet skull hadn't started talking back to her yet.</p><p> </p><p>*Who was alarmingly pretty and intimidatingly skilled with autopsies and the aggressive application of medicine and Rose had so many sexy nurse fantasies it was practically psychic sexual harassment<br/>**Who might or might not be in distress and was not, in fact, a damsel</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which there is a Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Title from corrupted lyrics of the song Kiss the Girl from the movie The Little Mermaid.

The alarming thing about Rose unabashedly undressing her with her eyes was that she didn't actually feel any sort of alarm anymore. Rose was tall, she was intimidating, and she was examining Kanaya's posterior like it was a fine piece of grubloaf. 

Maybe she was simply getting used to it. 

There was a circus for her to organize before she could contemplate the necessary soul-searching for that revelation, however. Karkat was currently in the middle of christening it the 'Find the Nookwhiffer Even though He Probably Just Knocked Himself Out With His Hammer' Project by throwing ever mug and stapler in reach. 

“I believe planning is in order?” she hazarded as the last mug sloshed against the wall. A majority of the mugs were intact, a fact that would have the Financial Department heaving a sigh of relief. 

“We go look for him, obviously.” Karkat snorted, then started sauntering towards the door with almost Eridan-esque arrogance. It was almost enough to try her patience. 

“Do you know where he lives?” Kanaya asked slowly. 

He froze. 

Nobody answered her query. 

“Wonderful.” she sighed. Rose was eying her butt again. Kanaya tried to summon _some_ sort of scandalized indignation. 

“We could hit Strider until he tells us.” Karkat sounded immensely pleased with the idea to the astonishment of exactly no one. 

“Or we could check the Archives.” Rose offered haughtily. Everyone shivered and pretended they hadn't. _Things_ lived in the Archives. 

“We could acquire the assistance of Tavros Nitram.” Kanaya put in, hesitant. 

Sollux wandered over to his computer with a long-suffering expression and started pecking at the keyboard. Everybody ignored him in favor of the prospect of a spectacular argument. 

Half a minute of pointless bickering later Sollux huffed and leaned back from his computer screen. 

“You guyth are thtupid and dumb and altho thtupid. Ith right here.” 

Karkat crowded up behind him and Kanaya watched Rose measure the distance between the two with a certain diabolical pleasure. She groaned and put her head in her hands. 

“Field trip!” Rose chirped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Financial Department sends regular complaints to the Chief of Police, and there's an annual petition around the office to fire Karkat. However, the only psionic in the precinct has made it clear that his employment hinges on Karkat's. 
> 
> The residential legislacerator and psychologistician both have also made it clear that there would be... _trouble_ if Karkat were gotten rid of.


	2. In Which the Plan is Carried Out and Succeeds Unexpectedly

John's hive, on the edge of town, smelled distinctly sugary and toxic. Kanaya wrinkled her nose, eying the pond next to the door nervously. It was iridescent, and soupy, and... 

Bubbling slowly. 

“Don't touch that.” she told the group, somewhat unnecessarily. Karkat's scowl was impossible to distinguish from his normal disgruntled default but he was surreptitiously taking breathes through his mouth and Rose was examining the rainbow surface with a horrified fascination she usually reserved for encountering Eridan unexpectedly. Sollux was already gagging for air and reaching for her shoulder for support. 

She inhaled, feeling sucrose crystallize in her lungs, and gestured to the door. 

“If you would be so kind, Sollux?” 

In answer he leaned down and puked. She pulled his hair back sympathetically and made soothing noises when he spit the taste out. He managed a watery smiled in her direction. 

“Thankth Kn. Right then.” 

There was a gross cacophony of snapping noises as he popped his knuckles, then frowned at the door. 

“Quick and dirty?” he inquired. His mouth was still stained gross and mustard-y. 

“Would be best.” she agreed. 

When the door crumbled in a burst of disco-colored sparks, Karkat and Rose were the first through the door. Kanaya was momentarily delayed by the need to prop Sollux up against the wall, and so when Rose backed out again she was in no position to see why. 

She pushed Karkat aside and looked in. 

John's eyes were rimmed in greenish-blue but his expression was purely blank surprise. 

The white mass of John's lusus lay behind him. It was very, very dead. 

“Oh.” Rose breathed, and ran. 

~O~

“I usually use the back door.” John told Kanaya inanely. She nodded distractedly, gesturing Karkat to follow Rose. As far as she was concerned, the whole exercise was one in the ridiculous. 

“You hadn't been in to work in two weeks, John.” she offered softly. There was some faint shouting outside as Karkat marshaled Sollux into retrieving Rose with him. They both ignore it. 

“I came home and he...” John trailed off. He wasn't crying, which relieved Kanaya immensely. “I was trying to bury him. I'm fine though, really.” 

“We were worried.” Kanaya hesitated, glancing at the corpse of the lusus. It didn't stink, lusus corpses tended not to, but it was obviously not very fresh. 

“Apparently.” John muttered sullenly, pointing out the door in the direction Rose had taken. There was a scuffle and a barely audible ' _fucking theriouthly, Kn thaid thtay-_ ' that made Kanaya wince. Sometimes the emotionally stunted antics of those surrounding her were amusing. This was not one of those times. 

“Rose would ask, if she were to spend as much time excavating her feelings as she does her patients, but sadly her job is her life and so I am left to do this for her.” Kanaya examined John's blank expression for a moment. “She aspires to you pale quadrant, dear.” 

John's expression could have been the dictionary definition for 'stupefied'. It was only several beats later that he managed to pry his jaw from the floor in order to speak. 

“Rose _likes_ me?”

“Insofar as the limited concept of 'liking' can be applied. I imagine she would have much more to say on the subject.” There's a fond little smile playing around Kanaya's mouth that John would totally have investigated if he had the spare synapses to do so. 

“ _Rose_ likes me?” 

“It is most certainly a thing that she is capable of doing.” She agreed, faraway and affection smile disappearing in favor of concern. 

“Rose likes _me_?” 

“Have you hit your head recently?” Kanaya started trying to walk in a circle around him, yanking at his hair, presumably searching for a bump or bruise or something. John didn't really pay attention. 

“But I thought she hated me!” He flailed helplessly. “And not even in the good way!” 

“Her affection manifest in a most immature manner, I must agree, but I imagine this to be her first occurrence of fully realized pale feelings.” Kanaya gave up on the head-wound theory and patted his shoulder patiently. When he simply blinked at her in confusion she sighed and translated. 

“She doesn't understand what she's feeling because she's never felt it before.” 

John's face crumpled in a manner unfortunately reminiscent of a wet paper bag. 

“That's so _sad_.” he muttered. 

It reeked so badly of new-minted moirallegiance Kanaya nearly wrinkled her nose. In lieu of that, she shoved him towards the door. 

“Go talk to her. Sollux and I will arrange things here.” she told him, then went looking for Sollux. She had never really been one to watch pale pornography, but she imagined that the whole situation could have starred in some of the more tawdry. 

~O~

“You _like_ me.” 

Rose flinched. 

“I hate you.” She asserted without turning around. The noxious bubbling pond was much easier to deal with. 

“You like me. Kanaya told me that your 'affections manifest in an immature manner'.” He sounded so smug. Rose hated him a lot. She wished she could hate Kanaya but honestly the talented psychologistical deduction was more sexy than anything. Curse her hormones. 

“She explained that to you.” Rose accused, almost turning around to do so before she stopped herself. 

“Guilty as charged, legislacerator.” he giggled. 

“I hate you and your derpy grin and your lack of issues.” She said grimly, clinging to her determination with both hands. 

Which was of course the exact moment John decided to wrap his arms around her and squeeze. His head only barely reached her shoulder, but what he lacked in stature he made up for in unconscious strength. 

“It's okay, I like you too.” he whispered conspiratorially. Rose wheezed until her loosened his hold enough to allow her lungs to expand. 

“I hate you.” she promised. It lacked conviction. 

“Do not.” 

Smug bastard.

~O~

Karkat was miserable. So miserable, in fact, that he had contemplated writing a tragedy based on the experience. He had subsequently decided that any attempt to put on a stage performance of it would lead to the mass, ritualistic suicides of all audiences due to utter despair. 

Literally ten feet away Rose was hugging John, _actual physical contact had been initiated_ , and yes, oh god, she was _patting his cheek_. 

Karkat gagged and turned away 

Sollux was with Kanaya, way too close for his comfort. They were muttering to each other with little _smiles_ , fucking disgusting. It was obvious that any idea of decency had been thrown right out in favor of something straight out of _Palemates Gone Wild_.

“Fuck this.” Karkat muttered and went to sit in the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya has a secret side job as an advice columnist for the Alternian Times. The majority of her articles can be summarized best as 'Honey, look at your _life_ , look at your _choices_.'. 
> 
> Actual sassy gay best friend Kanaya Maryam.


End file.
